Keens Park Rangers First               4

Epsom Kings                                   0

Goals: Liam, Seamus, Tommy Newell, Woodsy

The Golds turned up to a massive car park with no sight of a football pitch, at least not one at regulation 11-a-side size. After some investigation the first team found the large warehouse where the changing rooms were hidden away. Having been directed to the female changing room, we also found it we were to share this with a vets team who appeared to have a “most deep heat per square inch of skin” award on the go.

After a quick exchange of tactics with the vets team the Golds then had a warm-up trek of 5 kilometers to the pitch, which to be fair was in good condition.

As the Golds went through the usual warm-up routine, which basically involves Mick trying to whittle out the hungover, an unusual scene was developing on the other side of the pitch. Half of the opposition were smashing balls at the open net (nothing wrong with this, we should try it) and the other half had turned up and rather than use the dry and relatively warm changing room, had decided to get changed under the shabby cover of a tree in the rain and wind.

After the referee got the nets sellotaped to the posts to get rid of any gaps, the game began.

KPR got off to a good start, controlling the game and using the pitch to their advantage by moving the ball along the deck. The only player who seemed to find this difficult was Chinga, who was trying to start badly so that he could only improve as the game progressed.

The Golds were by far the better team and were on the brink of making many chances but couldn’t quite get the final ball right. Frustration began to creep in.

Although the opposition looked lackluster in defence when under pressure, on the attack there was an element of danger, mostly coming from the number 6 and number 9.

It finally came together as Seamus picked up the ball just over the halfway line and fed the ball between the centre-backs to Liam running through and the latter poked it round the goalkeeper.

The second half was much of the same with KPR dominating the game and making chances. The midfield appeared to particularly keen on becoming the new “Eastiano” by attempting some long-range shots on goal, this did eventually come to fruition. Seamus received the ball on the edge of the box curled the ball into the top right corner of the net. The father of the scorer, stood watching on the sidelines, did question both the height and ability of the goalkeeper due to the light and floaty nature of the scoring strike.

This was the end of any attacking threat from Epsom. The number 9 decided that it was time to retreat into school playground mode and refused to pass and instead wanted to dribble around every player in gold. This was never going to bother the KPR midfield or defence.

Changes were made and Tommy Newell was introduced, perhaps unfortunately for him this was up top instead of between the sticks like last week. The Nigel Thornberry look-alike seemed a little tired from the previous nights antics but despite this he managed to finish a one-on-one with the keeper after a ball through from Woodsy.

However, it was not all glory for Tommy. In what was clearly an attempt to make the other forwards look good, he received the ball six yards out from goal and managed to strike the ball so badly it would have been better identified as an attempt on the KPR goal rather than Epsoms.

KPR continued to try and play football and eventually got a fourth goal as Bruce played a well meant pass straight to the opposing centre-back who kindly fluffed his lines leaving Woodsy with just the keeper to beat, and he did just that with a composed finish to the left.

Upon the final whistle the team were only too glad to get out of the wind and rain and back to the changing room, only to then queue up for the 3 available showers between two teams.

Things are certainly looking up at the moment, but it’ll be a much tougher game back in the league next week.

Keens Parks Rangers is a Guildford based football club and we are always looking for new players and sponsorship opportunities. Get in touch with us through our website or our social channels.


This match report is sponsored by Broadstreet Cars