Keens Park Rangers                                6

Surrey University                                     1

Goals: Dan Way (3), Adam East (1), Ryan Wallis (1), Jamie Hunt (1)

As the ‘spooky’ month of October hits, and the skies over Pyrford Cricket Club appeared cloudy and gloomy there was an ever present sense of something disturbing in the air that was about to happen in this week’s fixture, (and it did), but more about that later…

With a virtually full strength side, with some fresh (or should I say ‘pale’) faces KPR were certainly up for todays fixture after a lack luster performance last week.

With Jake ‘The Walrus’ Simms returning between the sticks the calmness upon kick-off was uncanny, as if the outfield players had welcomed home a close relative from the front lines of war and “everything was now back to normal”.

The game started well for KPR however getting a foothold on the game seemed difficult, as an intimidating approach to our play was not materializing into chances on goal against the students…until… continuous persistence from our front line caused the opposition keeper and defenders to make some very questionable choices. A low drive from Ryan Wallis and a long distance curler from Jamie Hunt made it into a quick 2-0 lead for the home side after continuous mistakes were ceased upon.

Ironically it seems that while the university students are studying to prepare for there chosen career professions the previous night’s homework on the “fundamentals of defending” was not submitted to the sports science faculty on campus.

Now that the home side had control of the game the midfield played some very intricate football and the chances were coming thick and fast. Play was directed, for a short period, down the left hand side and eventually Scott Whittaker found himself in on goal. However, having previously played in goal over the last 2 weeks Scott appeared to have a ‘flashback’ and cleared the ball as far above the crossbar as he could rather than sticking it in the back of the net.

Shortly after this a similar build-up this time resulted in Dan Way giving the goalkeeper the jitters ‘1-on-1’ and calmly slotting the ball low beyond the keeper, (all the while hoping that Scott was taking notes for future endeavors), however this was not the last action of the half by no means.

As the half was coming to and end so was normality. Halloween had truly arrived earlier than ever this month as Adam ‘Beast Mode’ East scored what can only be described as a ‘Thriller’. His “grizzly ghoul” of a right foot had “closed in to seal their doom”, with the ball rocketing into the top right corner of the onion bag.

Amazing as the strike was though the associated celebration was as equally frightening, as the stunned spectators and both sets of players were frozen in place, apart from Adam who wheeled away not knowing what to do with himself with bigger smile on his face than the ‘Joker’ (out now in theatres).

He also looked as if he was waiting for the immortal cries from Chris Kamara on soccer Saturday of “UNBELIEVABLE JEFF”, however the most that was said was an uttering for the opposition striker who must have said, quite fittingly, “this is the work of Satan”.

Incredibly this was the last time the goal was spoken about out-loud all afternoon and evening, as being so humble in his approach Adam didn’t want the whole word to revel in his achievement. As a result the mob that had gathered at the pub after the game unfortunately never got to heat of this magnificent feat, until now!

The very last notable action of the first half was from today’s midfield maestro James ‘Nico’ Nixon, who could have easily seen KPR’s first sin bin of the season for kicking the ball away after a foul on the opposition, before going in at the break 4-0 up.

As juvenile as this act was James, (like a maturing lion cub in the planes of Africa), gave a very rousing halftime speech very fitting of the ‘king of the jungle’. Reminding the team of a very good half of football with notable mentions to Callum, Mungo and Jake Ladd for being impenetrable rhino’s at the back and for George and Danny’s gazelle type performance thus far in avoiding capture of the opposition’s predators.

Sadly, however the team conceded a free kick very early on in the second half to which The Walrus, who had virtually nothing to do all afternoon until now should really have saved at his far post, rather than having the thought of the post match meal in his head. (He was hoping for chips if you must know!!!).

‘Speaking of chips’ the team were not phased one bit by conceding a goal this early on and took hold of the game once again when Dan Way reclaimed the 4 goal cushion with a thinly cut chip over the keeper’s head that was tastier than a plate full of McCain’s oven baked, 5-1.

Danny boy then completed his hat-trick late on by smashing the ball at the keeper who couldn’t handle his ‘hot-potato’ of a strike and the ball squirmed beyond him into the back of the net.

A very complete performance all round, and it would have ended there if it wasn’t for Dan Way to go against tradition of treating his teammates to a pitcher of lager after scoring a hat-trick, but instead disapprovingly choosing ‘fruit cider’, resulting in his match rating dropping by 1.5 points at least!

Man of the match award impossible to call, based on complete performances by all involved, resulting in the team now sitting top of the league table. Well done boys and top of the league we shall remain! Roll on next week.

This match report is sponsored by Broadstreet Cars