This Match Report is sponsored by Aalto Construction, M.H. Construction,  H&H Construction & Green Tangerine Catering


Surrey County Premier Football League

Keens Park Rangers 6 Hersham 0

Goals: Luke Mitchell (3), Josh Bullen (2), Jack Baisden 

Man-of-the-match: Luke Mitchell

Where to begin? The epic KPR Quiz Night, or another 6-0 victory over what looked to be a very decent Hersham?

I guess, dear reader (hello, you there?), you are here for the football. So, let us break with tradition and do matters in reverse chronological order – even if the predictive voice texts made at the time by co-reporter Jambo Crouch leave a lot to be desired.

Put it this way. Prior to the first goal it was all KPR with a few chances wasted until a sliced clearance from the keeper was volleyed back into the opposition half where Jack won a brave header and, in doing so, set Bulldog free to cut inside the defender and slot it in past the keeper.

Courage about to win another header

According to the ‘word salad’ that constituted the notes this happened next: “Goal kick from Kieran KL goal, go for it from Kieran into Rhys Reece [who he? Ed] over the top and I don’t know”?! I guess this is the danger of writing these reports post-King’s Head and a rest-up on a Sunday, but this essentially translates into: a superb lofted pass into the box from Reece to jack who’s first ouch took him past the defender and allowed him to pass the ball with the outside of his left foot inside the far post. A cracking goal.

Can still move can Crouchy

The visitors clearly a tad shocked by proceedings, they did, nonetheless, continue to look a threat and Kieran hurt his shoulder making a good save down to his left before Luke fluffed a couple of chances along with a header each for Lucas and Reece and a shot from Bulldog.

Lucas then had another chance from the edge of the box after a lovely nutmeg, but it was Reece, having been the greatest threat in the opening exchanges, who started to get some unwelcome attention from the opposition before half-time.

Dan enjoying the space

The second-half began painfully for Kieran after a late looking challenge from the opposition centre forward. But as much as the ref – who let a good deal of physical play go – ignored his claims for a foul, it also proved a painful experience for the striker. For, having been left to tap the ball in to an empty net from a yard out, he took to long to take his tame effort, thus allowing Ben to make up his ground and clear the ball.

The robust play continued. And yet, the opposition couldn’t really lay a glove on the KPR players – especially Courage, who shared attempts with Bulldog and Jack before man-of-the-match Luke notched KPR’s thirdly smashing the ball into the top corner from range.

Chinga and Jambo eyeing up the pizzas

The game all but safe, the fourth came from nowhere as captain Simmo’s booted clearance found Bulldog out on the left wing and, having cut inside and forced a superb save out of the keeper, equally inadvertently set up Luke for an easy header into an open net.

Manager Gary then gave a few of his subs a run out, with Courage and Lucas making way for Rory and Dan and Reece allowing Vic a shot at adding to his impressive tally for the season. All had their chances, but it was Bulldog who kept his head, having rounded the keeper, and realising he had not shot at goal bided his time before lofting a pass across goal for Luke to volley in his hat-trick goal.

Phones’ in lads – unless you are El Boy!

It was at this point a few of the opposition threw the towel in. Understandable, perhaps. But this also included their, previously flag-happy, lino who gifted Bulldog a questionable second as he’d given up on keeping up with play. Nevertheless, Bulldog was worthy of the goal (and the KPR Fantasy League points that came with it) that ensured another comprehensive win at Fortress Pyrford before the referee called time on what was a really enjoyable game – assuming you were supporting the black and golds.

Oh God. Almost 700 words and I’ve not covered the Quiz night yet.

Ha ha. ‘Squaring up’ after a few Peronis.

Suffice to say, Crouchy and Woodsy always put on a great show and this year was no different even if the winners, Chinga’s Mingas, were accused of, ahem, cheating. In fact, it was a remarkable win given they only got 4 points on the first round. And yet, the atmosphere was brilliant. Watto’s old man Paul making his Quiz Night debut clearly enjoyed himself as did bar manager El Boy who asked a good deal more of the KPR lads than was fair when offering himself up to be thrown into the air.

El Boy finally reaches orbit at the second attempt

Being quite a lump these days, the first attempt was a pathetic failure. But he wasn’t to be denied and the lads came up trumps at the second attempt. In fact El Boy may well be KPR’s ‘First Man in Space’. Or did he see God? We may never know, but the weird little woman in Poltergeist always recommended us mortals to “stay away from the light’!

Wise words. Keep it all going on and off the pitch lads!


This Match Report is sponsored by Aalto Construction,  H&H Construction & Green Tangerine Catering