This Match Report is sponsored by Aalto Construction, M.H. Construction,  H&H Construction & Green Tangerine Catering


Surrey County Cup (I think it was)

Keens Park Rangers Reserves 0 Battersea Ironsides 1

Man-of-the-match: Owen Sutchbury

While a cup fixture meant the ressies had to brave the traffic, and congestion charge, this week, they suffered a narrow defeat at the hands of Battersea Ironsides.

Woodsy ‘Woody’ Woods: harder than mahogany – not.

The game being something of a ‘free-hit’, manager Liam ensured everyone who had made the effort got a lengthy run out. This did mean a decent first-half performance was blunted somewhat in the second. But, that said, the KPR players had failed to force a save out of the opposition’s keeper.

Also making the trip were a select band of die-hard supporters who outnumbered the home support six to one. Given the lack of a first-team match this week, there may have been more, but – if my bumping into Fat Boy in town that morning is any kind of a guide – many would have been scratching around for an outfit for that evening’s 80s and 90s fancy dress party to which we’ll return to shortly.

Looks like the East Coast branch of the rap world is eying up the West Coast’s generic representative (or is it the badge?).

As far as the match went, there was little of note until right on half-time when Oscar up front was upended inside the box. But rather than blow for what looked an obvious penalty, the referee blew for half-time. After last week’s shenanigans players and supporters alike were more than a tad frustrated, but there was something amusing about this referee who remained fully dressed in his waterproofs throughout the match.

You cannot be SERIOUS?! Hulk Hogan won?!

I’d say there’s ‘something in the water’ inside the M25, but at least those buggers have some (committee man H not enjoying a regular supply for over two weeks now) – cheers Thames Water!

I digress, but the sad fact was the ressies never really looked like scoring. They never really looked like conceding either, with man-of-the-match Owen not putting a foot or a head wrong the whole match. As bar manager [D]El Boy said, a one-nil defeat wouldn’t be the end of the world and it came to pass when a cross was returned across the six yard box for an unmarked header from all of a yard out.


It looked distinctly offside, but it was all soon forgotten as the evening’s festivities got underway with more than a hundred players, partners, friends and – good grief – children (some of us are getting on!) descending upon the Mandolay Hotel for what Hello Magazine would no doubt have referred to as the ‘event of the year’.

No doubt – at all – that Seamus had been practicing this expression for days beforehand.

Indeed, the stars were out in force. Ozzy Osbourne, John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Beavis and Butthead, Top Guns, Clark Kent, John McEnroe, various generic rappers (and a Tupac Shakur), Gallagher twins, Power Rangers, Woodys’ and Jessies’, Ali G and his Julie (gender swapped of course), a solitary Ghostbuster (pulled that out the fire Fat Boy) and others had a terrific time. Top prize (as selected by the bar staff) went to Hulk Hogan who generously put the prize money back into the club – meaning we raised over £1500.

A tremendous effort all round, big thanks to all who helped make it happen and be such fun. It has been said before but KPR really is ‘mes que un club’!




This Match Report is sponsored by Aalto Construction,  H&H Construction & Green Tangerine Catering