"Life comes at you fast" - The KPR Match Report

This Match Report is sponsored by Aalto Construction, M.H. Construction, H&H Construction & Green Tangerine Catering

Surrey Intermediate League

Keens Park Rangers Ressies 3 Worplesdon 2

Goals: Sammy, Woodsy (2)

Man-of-the-match: Possibly the referee

He may be lauded in more traditional cricket circles – indeed he eventually got a knighthood – but Neville Cardus was known to embellish match reports or, even, make them up having not been at the match. And today, dear reader, you’ll have to accept this entirely second-hand report of the KPR ressies win over local rivals Worplesdon in good faith.

That said, you didn’t have to be in attendance to have seen the opposition’s attempt to land the first punch in a rather feisty Instagram post (now deleted – so accept the screenshot below) with their ever combative midfielder pretending to be Connor McGregor.*

Naturally, this both amused and motivated the KPR lads and they got out of the blocks early with Sammy blasting, to quote Thomas Watts, a ‘fucking beauty’. Then Woodsy scored, to quote bar manager El Boy, a ‘great team goal’ before notching a third.

Following the match via WhatsApp on a train back from Scotland, I was disappointed to read the visitors got one back before half time and, worryingly, another early in the second half. But the ‘lanky cunt’ was pleased to see another message at 15:37 stating a certain midfielder had been sent off for a second bookable offence, having ‘wiped Nas out’. And by 15:49 it was all over. Or was it?

Media post of the year!

One deplores the term ‘banter’ but the banter bus was at full throttle in the pub after the match with the social media team (Mungo on this occasion) landing a knock-out riposte on the Instagram account. Bravo sir!

Even the barman celebrated!

Due to some administrative errors, the ressies might still have a tricky season ahead. But this was an afternoon / evening to savour. Even if El Boy ruined the spoof.