This Match Report is sponsored by Aalto Construction, M.H. Construction,  H&H Construction & Green Tangerine Catering


Surrey Intermediate League

Keens Park Rangers 4 Royal Holloway 1 

Goals: Oscar Day, Victor Hamilton, Callum Toone, Luke Simmonds.

Man-of-the-match: Seamus Leonard

While the ressies maintained their free scoring form, in a comprehensive win over visitors Royal Holloway, it could – or should – have been an absolute rout. Indeed, such was the dominance, manager Liam could have taken the day off (if only his old man H had a Ferrari).

The younger members of the squad might be wondering what the hell I’m on about. But, with the KPR 80s and 90s fancy dress party now confirmed, it will pay for them to research what was classed as ‘culture’ back then. As for the match, a few eyebrows were raised early on by the quality of the opposition’s number 9. And he really ought to have opened the scoring after an excellent through ball, except he decided to cut inside rather that shoot and, thus, allow Simmo to get a block in.

The Ferrari goes ‘vroom vroom’

Thereafter, it was all KPR. But they were, it must be said, aided by the opposition who insisted on playing out from the back. This said, the first goal was all our own work as Oscar, having been upended in the box, slotted a penalty home after only five minutes.

As good a start as this was, the afternoon’s profligacy was never far away, and Simmo squandered a brilliant opportunity from a Wallis corner. The collective groan was likely heard in Woking as the lack of any first team game meant a season high attendance at a scorching Fortress Pyrford.

The KPR ultras out in force (Tommy’s shiner not visible)

The heat aside, such was the strength of the bench, Liam was almost obliged to utilise the ability to make rolling substitutions after only a quarter of an hours play. Vic, in particular, made a very positive impact. And yet, nobody seems overly keen on testing their keeper who bore an uncanny resemblance to Fairlands old keeper Holty (although we very much doubt he is a recreational ketamine user).

At the back, things were distinctly more settled until Callum got a karate chop to his throat. Given the whole game lacked anything like a nasty challenge, the referee was entirely correct in ignoring Callum’s expletives. And a good job too, as the ball found its way behind their defence. Although no slouch in the speed department, Kempy was beaten to the ball by their keeper. But he only managed to clear it straight to Vic who calmly chipped the ball into the now open net before Callum scored a good header from a Seamus corner in added time.

Maintaining the 80s theme: Seamus Says ‘Relax’

While 3-0 at half-time was an entirely fair reflection of the balance of play, the likelihood that the opposition would find a way back into the game diminished as their number 9, according to their lino, “had to fly”. Is he an EasyJet pilot? While we may never know, it was an odd thing to happen. And yet, the ressies couldn’t convert their complete dominance into goals. If Nico forced two good saves out of their keeper, the rest of the match was miss after miss after miss.

It was great that so many chances were being created, but the massed spectators – craving further entertainment – were getting a tad frustrated as all knew the personal on the pitch were better than the ‘finishing’ suggested. Ultimately, the entertainment arrived after Simmo volleyed another well delivered Seamus corner unmarked into the net. But it wasn’t the goal itself (good as it was), but his (all too accurate) impression of last week’s celebration of Watts free kick by Rob that had the crowd in fits of laughter.

The ref looking more dynamic than most of the players

If the Veo (c) comparisons will be worth a look, the poor finishing – despite a good save low down from a well struck shot by Connor – and their consolation goal won’t. It was hard lines on Leighton in goal, as was a scuffed shot from Nico after some strong and tenacious play from Wallis down the right.

Once again the crowd had their head’s in their hands, but it is clear the ressies have an incredibly strong squad who will provide a good deal more entertainment throughout the season. Indeed, you’ll have to pity the opposition if they discover their shooting boots.


This Match Report is sponsored by Aalto Construction,  H&H Construction & Green Tangerine Catering